There's no such thing as the best books of all time

It happens every so often. Once a year, maybe once every two. Some newspaper or magazine or humble website posts a list of the best books of all time. It might be the top one hundred, maybe the top fifty. It might be the collected opinions of a selection of famous people, or just the staff of that particular media company.

Whatever the particulars, the lists are all the same.

There'll be plenty from 19th century England - Bleak House will be there, as will Middlemarch. At least two books by Tom Hardy. Naturally, Ulysses. There'll be a bunch from 20th century America. The Great Gatsby, obviously, The Handmaid's Tale. There'll be one or two token works in translation, probably Don Quixote and One Hundred Years of Solitude.

There's always a selection of black authors, but usually black authors who are known for writing about race - James Baldwin, Octavia E. Butler, Toni Morrison, Zadie Smith. Kazuo Ishiguro is usually the only asian writer represented, although sometimes Haruki Murakami will show up.

The same list, over and over again, just slightly different.

The first problem with this premise is that there's no such thing as the best books of all time, obviously. Or there are too many to bother doing a list at all. Or no one can ever read all the books so no one can ever know what the best books are.

The second problem is that we are all vain creatures and when someone asks us a question like what are the best books of all time we want to answer them in a way that demonstrates that we are smart. That we read books for smart people. And however much Dickens might have been blockbuster entertainment for the rabble when he was alive, we all treat him like he's high literature for fancy people now.

So we say oh, definitely Bleak House because we want people to know we read books like Bleak House.

Any list of the best books of all time is really a list of pre-approved books for clever people who read challenging literature.

The order may change, but the list is the same and it's so fucking boring.

I understand of course that the point of publishing a list like this is that it's shareable. All day long on the internet I've read 32, how many have you read, oh god, I've only read 18, I'm so embarrassed.

It's easy to fall into a debate; there are many valid debate points to make. Like The Blind Assassin and Oryx and Crake are both better books than The Handmaid's Tale. Like it's wild to have a list like this and not include Kurt Vonnegut. It being easy to fall into a debate is the point, that's how you get clicks and newspapers today need clicks like they used to need the classifieds.

But this is all beside the point.

The point is that looking for the best is always boring. We have no more need of books that are famous for being generally agreed to be among the best in the world. We could be asking weirder questions.

What book did you finish and immediately start again from the beginning? (Clouds Among the Stars^[1] by Victoria Clayton, CN: rape and child abuse and very weird about both tbh)

What book would you press into the hands of everyone you meet if they wouldn't think you were weird for it? (This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone)

What book do you think people should have to read by law? (Small Gods by Terry Pratchett)

What book would you travel across town to pick up from your sister because you're having a rough time and you just need it ok? (Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer)

What book made you feel like books were good actually after an extended period of finding all books bad? (Priestdaddy by Patricia Lockwood, Melmoth by Sarah Perry)

What book did someone recommend to you and you took fucking years to get around to reading it and then you read it and they were so right, what a banger? (If On A Winter's Night a Traveller by Italo Calvino)

What's your go-to gift for someone you don't know much about but you know they read a lot?^[2] (The Tatami Galaxy by Tomihiko Morimi - the Nomad Edition specifically)

What book would you leave a wedding or similar to keep reading?^[3] (Fingersmith by Sarah Waters)

What was your favourite book as a child?^[4] (The Magician's Nephew by CS Lewis)

What was the first proper book for grown ups you loved? (Death on the Nile by Agatha Christie)

What's a kids book you do love as an adult? (The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot)

What book made you laugh out loud? (Several People Are Typing by Calvin Kasulke)

What book made you ugly cry? (A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness)

What book made you horny? (The Paring by Casey McQuiston)

Isn't that already so much better? Down with what's best! No more boring lists!

And if you felt bad because you hadn't read that many of the best books last week, don't worry about it! Don't read Bleak House, read The Tatami Galaxy instead! Or as well as, I don't know your life, read whatever you want!